Of Beckoning Places

Of beckoning places
I have never felt more lost.
Nothing invites me onward.
Nothing compels my mouth to speak.
In cave-like ignorance, resembling oblivion,
I am soulless in sleep.
Where are you, beloved?
Do you not think I wait for you?
Do you not understand the crystal heart?
Its facets like mirrors for the clouds
absent of nothing blue.

Invincible heaven with downcast eyes
and burning bullets of victory that peel through flesh
like a hungry ax, why did you follow me?
I need an equal not a slayer.
I need a companion not a ruler.
I need love not commandments.

Of things forgotten
I have never been one.
God seems to find me even in the tumbleweed
when winds howl
and I become the wishbone in the hands
of good and evil.
Why do they seek me out?
What purpose do I serve if I cannot become visible to you?

You know, when they put animals to sleep
children wait outside
as the needle settles the debt of pain and age.
The mother or father write a check and
sign their name twice that day.
They drop a watermark of tears.
They smile for their children
through clenched hearts beating
sideways like a pendulum of time.

And I see all of this and more in myself.
A small animal whose debts are soon to be settled.
Children are already appearing outside
waiting for the smile of parents to reassure.
The signature and watermark
they never see.

Of winter sanctuary I have found only you.
Though I wait for signals to draw me from the cold
into your fire
I know they will come even though I fumble for my key.
Even though my heart is beheaded.
Even though I have only learned division.
I remember you and the light above your door.